A year ago I was released from the hospital. I had been doing rehab and was released in time to attend a fundraiser my friend Jenn had organized and was hosted by my friends Bud and Kelly. They named it “The Joyful Jamboree”. It was a slice of Heaven to me. It was like I was walking through my funeral but I was still alive. It was a celebration of my life. It was like people were giving me years off their lives. Money was raised to go towards my many medical bills. My life bucket was being filled by others lives. So much planning went into that event. My friends and family showed up to celebrate my life and help our family. Elliot (local band) played music and people danced. All the kids played games. Great food was eaten. I was blessed, beyond belief. That day will always be so special to me.
Here we are a whole year later already. It’s been a faith filled year but it hasn’t been without many doubts and fears. I was given the opportunity to speak at a local church recently. I spoke about my past year and referred to it as “My Goliath”. I talked about the story of David and Goliath in the Bible. I had studied beforehand and I felt like God had told me everyone has a Goliath in their life. God gives us the stones to kill that Goliath, no matter how young we are, how weak we are, how far from God we feel. Some people experience their Goliaths as loosing a child, divorce, addictions, and so many more. Most people have a lot more than one Goliath in their lives. My biggest one has been cancer. The stones that God has given me are learning to trust Him, not allowing fear to rule my life, and not listening to the enemy’s lies about my life. I had so many anxieties about not being strong enough, not being able to fight long enough, not being able to trust-none of that was from the Lord. The pastors of this church gave me a piece of paper and the following words were written on it:
“I am powerful, and what I believe changes the world!
So today I declare:
God is in a good mood.
He loves me all the time.
Nothing can separate me from His love.
Jesus’ blood paid for everything.
I will tell nations of what He has done.
I am important.
How He made me is amazing.
I was designed for worship.
My mouth establishes praise to silence the enemy.
Everywhere I go becomes a perfect health zone.
Nothing is impossible!”
After I spoke, a lady in that church prophesied over me and said that God had entrusted me with this (referring to the past year), that she heard a confirmation that I was going to travel and speak, telling my story. That was the first time I felt like God had a purpose in all of this. I’ve always felt like I was called to do something big. Other than being a Mom and raising my kids, I never knew what that was. I do now. Another lady prophesied that she saw a book with my name on it. I’m not going to lie, that scared me. I’m not a writer (I’m not actually the one writing this blog…if I was you would all think I was drunk. My mind still struggles to get things out, I often forget things…I blame radiation). I’ve been told many times, before and after cancer, that people saw me speaking to large groups of people, specifically women, at some point in my life. I would always joke that when people go to seminar or large speaking gigs they are often introduced by referring to how many books they’ve written, how the speak all over the world, etc. I would say how my introduction would include how many diapers I’ve changed, how many loads of laundry I’ve done and how many dishes I’ve cleaned. Not until I had cancer did I really feel like I had a platform to speak on. Let me be clear the platform isn’t cancer, it’s Jesus. My platform is the healing that God has done in my life and where I am now because of Him.
I haven’t felt good lately. Physically I have struggled a bit, and when anything little comes up it scares me. The little things become big things. That’s what happens when someone has walked through something traumatic. It’s a sort of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I would love to say that my first response has been to go to God and not allow the anxiety that comes with this to take over. But the reality is that it’s still not always my first response. I still struggle with having to acknowledge that the anxiety, fear and worry is from the enemy. I have to declare that my God is in control and take all of that and lay it at His feet. Sometimes daily. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes by the minute. Sometimes I just put on worship music and rest in knowing that the enemy can’t be there when the presence of God is.